What am I doing?

What am I doing? I can't stop crying...I really feel like a crazy person.  Here I am in a small office waiting for them to admit me to the Psychiatric wing of the hospital. Seriously I should be in the the regular part of the hospital with a doctor who will listen to me about all the pain I am experiencing.  But instead I have to go through my bag of clothes and  take out the strings from my sweat pants and shirt and have my toiletries looked through for anything sharp. Now for the interview: why am I here, am I going to hurt myself, have I ever tried to hurt myself...the questions were endless. I just wanted to go in a dark room and go to sleep.  Thank goodness they gave me something to calm me down so I could sleep. During my stay I was required to see a Psychiatrist. Little did I know that this would be the first person who actually believed me that I was in pain and  was having a hard time dealing with it. I just needed some help.  Dr R. was the doctor who put me on Cymbalta.  It took a few weeks but it was what I needed to control the pain.  He wondered why the doctor in Santa Barbara did not put me on it, I wondered too.
My time spent in there is kind of a blur but it was a relief to not have to put on a show that I was fine when I really wasn't.  I  saw the psychiatrist a couple times a day and also went therapy groups to learn how to deal with the emotions that had piled up.  My family was very supportive and came to see me everyday, twice a day over that weekend. It was really like a long needed vacation. Don't get me wrong it is something that I would never want to experience again. Sometime you have to scream out for help instead as asking politely.
It was so unfair that I had to get brought down so low in my struggle with fibromyalgia that it resulted in a breakdown.
I left the hospital with a small sense of hope.  Someone was actually going to help me with my pain. I love Dr. R ...I felt he saved me in my time of despair.

Drastic Measures

In my quest to find a doctor to help me I found out how the medical field really views the diagnosis of Fibromyagia. They don't believe you.  "Hypochondriac"," lazy", "exercise more", "eat better", "your just depressed"..on and on it went.  I now had a diagnosis but no one I could turn to.  Every time I had a problem it was difficult to travel to Santa Barbara, so I eventually gave up on seeking help from any doctor. I only went to an acupuncturist at that point along with self medicating myself.
I had plenty of pain pills, anti inflammatories, a tens units and plenty of alcohol. That is the way I made it through the day.  I was in bed, in pain, all day. It was all I could do to drop off and pick up the kid from school.  It was back to my bed  until I had to cook dinner and act like a wife and mother. I would have more then a few drinks to make it through the evening and then I had insomnia so bad that I stayed up all night trying to do some sort of crafts to keep my mind busy.  This was the vicious cycle I had created.  It got to the point where I was not making rash decisions.  My husband had no idea what was going on financially. Between my not working and trying to keep my spot at the salon, we were in trouble financially but I was so far out of it that I did not think to tell him. All the stress of the constant pain and worry over if I was ever going to get better had caused me to lose touch with reality, I was on my way to having a mental breakdown.  In late November I was done, I'd had enough of everything and lost it.  I cried all day.  My son came home to this broken women.  Poor boy he had no idea what to do. All I knew was that I wanted to go away. I did not want to hurt myself I just wanted to disappear. I was confused and feeling helpless. I had to get myself help. The only way I could think to be heard, to get help with my physical pain that was causing me this extreme mental anguish was to be committed. Yes as in "Psych Ward" kind of committed.  I spoke with my friends mom ,who is a nurse on a psychiatric ward, to ask where to go, who to see.  She gave me great advice and really understood how I was feeling.
My husband knew something was going on at home but since he was at work he did not fully understand it when I hold him, "When you get home I need you to take me to the hospital ". I explained when he arrived. Stunned, my husband did as I asked.  After a tearful drive to a local ER, I told the nurse that I felt I was having a breakdown and that I wanted to be admitted for a psychological evaluation. (dramatics have been omitted since this was like an out of body experience for me)
Next would come the walk through the double glass, double doors where I would spend the next 72
 hours...

Trying to find sleep.

After my diagnosis I was sent to have multiple sleep studies done since the lack of sleep is a big component of Fibromyalgia.  Turns out I suffer from Periodic Limb Movement.  The movement of my body was waking me up then 85 times an hour...no wonder was exhausted. Now it was time to experiment  with multiple sleep aids...I can not remember them all but I do remember that I was put on experimental fibro drug controversialists past, The doctor prescribed me Xyrem. This is the same thing a GHB, the date rape drug.  It is the most controlled substance anyone can be prescribed. It was a salty liquid so I had to drink it with something sour like lemonade just to get it down. I did that for a month without a positive result. In the end it was not the sleep aid for me. I was eventually put on a medication for Parkinson Disease (Mirapex) Amazingly it did help with the movement but I still was exhausted. I could sleep but it was not the restorative sleep I now know that I needed. I found myself still sleeping a majority of the day so I could act like I was a normal person when my husband and teenager came home. I would go to work at the salon when I absolutely had to.  My rheumatolgist did not do much in the way of helping me feel better and he was all the way in Santa Barbara.  So now I had a new mission...find a doctor that could help me get my old life back...and this was just the first 12 months after diagnosis, Fall 2005.

My Journey Back to Living, Diagnosis

Hi I am Debbee and I suffer with Fibromyalgia.  I was diagnosed in 2004 but was undiagnosed for the many years prior with sever back, arm and leg pain... Migraines, depression, pain, bleeding, days in bed, a fallen uterus, a sagging bladder, crying, despair, exhaustion, insomnia and sever gastric problem

 I was not until I went to the Sansum Clinic in Santa Barbara, California that I was diagnosed. That was a major turning point in my life.  Along with the pain I had been suffering, I was dealing with sever menstrual bleeding that lasted for 21 days of my 28 day cycle along with a fallen uterus.  I visited every doctor in my northern Los Angeles County area and was left feeling hopeless. No one could tell me what was going on with my body.
Upon completing a comprehensive physical, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. The female problem was still a mystery.  I was referred to specialists in the fields of gynecology and rheumatology. For my female issued I was finally offered what was to be the only solution to the bleeding: a  total hysterectomy.  I know it sound drastic but after having the sever bleeding for over 18 months I was ready to be done with the whole 'period" thing.  Since my husband and I had already decided to not have any more kids and had made to official by my husband getting fixed, the issue of future pregnancies was a non-issue. I was 37, married with a 15 year old son and I was ready to move on. Next was to see what I to do about this ailment I was diagnosed with. So begins my journey to become well.